.: Comedy Top Related Articles
1). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
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2). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep."
Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner.
He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains has shaped his behavior since his mother first read it to him when he was just wee high to an oil pump.
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3). Just Say No To Sex
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.)
"They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.
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4). The Clever Florida Manitee Plays Dumb While Being As Smart Or Smarter Than Dolphins
The Florida manatee has fooled us all for ages. We thought it was as slow to cogitate as its “sweet potato” body is to move. Never did the clever "sea cow" let on that it’s actually as brainy as, or perhaps even brainier than, a somersaulting dolphin. But now its lethargic disguise has been penetrated, thanks to the researches of a neuroscientist at the University of Florida.
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5). Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus.
The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day.
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6). 100 Pounds Of Marijuana Found At Home Depot: Sold As Grass Seed
An unsuspecting contractor drove to his nearby Home Depot to buy a vanity. When he opened it, besides the usual shelves, he discovered two 50-lb bricks of marijuana.
Police were summoned and invited to the garden shop, where they were told the marijuana was being sold as a new kind of grass seed that offered entertaining prospects for homeowners and landscapers.
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7). Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate.
In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President.
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8). The Topless CPA
Todd, out of town on business and looking for a bit of comfort, knew he was in trouble when the topless dancer he just couldn’t say no to slipped his next twenty into her silver garter, and, with a twinkle in her green eyes, asked, “Would you like to go to the champagne room? It’s more private in there.”
Although this was Todd’s first visit to this.
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9). Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill.
He recently got more into debt than usual – in fact, he found himself surrounded by it – and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind.
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10). PBS Fires Cinderella; Calls Display Of Bare Foot Scandalous
As if it wasn’t enough that PBS, the bastion of culture at the broadcast level, fired the host of the toddlertainment, ‘The Good Night Show.’ Reason given: The sweet thing, by the name of Melanie Martinez, who is beloved by moms and kids alike, appeared in her ancient history as an actress in two videos spoofing public service announcements that advocate teenage sexual abstinence.
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11). US Missile Defense Intercepts Seagull; Cheney Present As Backup
The Defense Department announced that our ever-vigilant military managed to intercept and shoot down a seagull over the Pacific. To assure a successful outcome, Dick Cheney was invited to observe the launch of the interceptor missile, as long as he brought along his quail gun to act as a backup to the missile.
The seagull reportedly crashed into the sea, and there are so far no reports from whales or other sea creatures of the shredded bird or debris from the intercepting missile crashing onto their unsuspecting backs.
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12). Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid
A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid.
The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, “I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff.
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13). Hockey Summer Season; Will Be Played On Roller Skates
Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately seasonal nature of their game, have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money.
To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will transform their footwear from ice skates to roller skates.
The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal.
One star expressed concern, saying, “I’m really good on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.
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14). Clutterbugs
"This house is so cluttered I can't find anything," said my husband.
I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue.
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15). Iran Accepts European Nuke Deal: Includes Instructions On How To Make An A-Bomb
European nations negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program initially offered the upstart threat a free light-water nuclear reactor. The President of Iran, however, responded by becoming petulant, calling the offer a "colonial" insult and demanding to know if we think he’s “a child.”
Determined to reach an agreement in a way that would avoid the.
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