.: Where's There's Three
Grandma made a major decision the other day. She had been ponderin and ponderin how to deal with her three little darlins in the best way possible. She finally decided since there were three of them, maybe there should be three of her. Yep, Grandma decided she’d split her personality into three personalities and become three in one. Who knows? Even that Miss Ophrie might come a callin to her door and a wantin to meet them three in one.
So Grandma had to decide which three personalities she’d be. She thought about the girlies’ favorites, but she didn’t know what no Lindsay Lahon, Hannah Montana, Dora the Explorer, Taylor Hicks, Paula Abdul, Hillary Duff, or even Polly Pockets might be all about. So Grandma just fell back on her old tried and true personalities—some that she knew real, real good!
For starters, Grandma thought it might be a good idea to start the day off with her Shirley Temple personality. After all, her little sweeties couldn’t even be that sweet theirselfs. Grandma thought she could get that nice Miss Cindy down at the Roffler Shop to put them Shirley Temple curls all over her head. Then she’d find herself some big fancy candy shop and git her the biggest, stripedest lollipop that’s ever been made. Grandma’s old knees got to knockin when she slipped right into her Shirley Temple stand-out dress with her crinoline slip peekin out from the bottom. Grandma even brought out an old pair of Shirley Temple black patent leathers to complete her new personality.
Needless to say, when Grandma Shirley Temple walked in to model her new personality to her babies, they all went to screamin and a laughin and callin Grandma a silly goose. That, of course, was before they spied the giant lollipop, and then they started to grabbin and callin claims to that big beauty with so much enthusiasm they crushed the candy part and sent the stick part a sailin through the air until it landed straight up and down in Grandpa’s glasses (which he’d just put on to see who that cute little doll in the Shirley Temple curls was). Fortunately for him, he didn’t have ‘em on long enough to see Grandma a pullin just bout ever one of them curls straight out.
So, on to the next personality. Grandma thought she’d make a perfect Annie Oakley. Gittin a big ole hat over what was left of them curls was not too much trouble, but when Grandma put them spurs on her brogans she wound up scratchin up her brand new hardwood floors that Grandpa had just laid.
Grandma didn’t have no cowgirl vest so she just grabbed the chenille bedspread, and it almost went all way around her to be the purtiest vest any cowgirl ever saw. Last, Grandma strapped her gun and holster set (who knows where it came from?) round her hips. Then she picked up the babies’ jump rope and started to twirling that rope and a lassoing right there in front of that television set where them babies was glued to some show called Deal or No Deal.
It took ‘em a minute to notice Annie (aka Grandma), but when they did, they went to grabbin and callin claims on them there guns on Annie’s hips. Whoa! Grandma couldn’t let them sweeties get their hands on no guns so she thought real fast and with all her might and her sharp-shooter’s eye, she slung them guns straight for the sink full of dirty dishes. She knowed them girls wouldn’t go nowhere near dirty dishes, and she was right. The next thing she heard was, “No deal!”
Well, Grandma was now left with her choice of a third personality. There was no question which one that would be. Grandma got her lipstick out and drawed her biggest, reddest Joan Crawford smile anybody had ever seen. Yep, Grandma was gonna be a perfect Mommy Dearest. To tell you what happened next would be too scary, but Grandma’ll tell you in a heartbeat that her babies won’t go near the closet no more, and they keep awakin up in the middle of the night screamin something she can’t understand about coat hangers.
Grandma tried. Grandma failed. Now Grandma will just be Grandma, but she still wonders what would have happened if she’d just made her experiment a little easier and split into the Three Stooges instead. (Bomp, slap, thump!!)
Article keywords: grandma, humor, multiple personalities, baby boomers
Article Source: http://www.articles32.com
Ruth Gunter Mitchell is a retired English teacher and author of a novel, Nothing But The Blood,which can be purchased at Amazon.com or at ruthm@ruthguntermitchell.com. Ruth Gunter Mitchell writes a monthly newsletter article "Grandma's Greetings." She bases her writings on her experiences as grandmother to three. Her website is www.ruthguntermitchell.com
.: New Humor Articles
1). A Concise History Of Cartoons And Funny Pictures
For as long as man has been able to paint and draw, funny pictures and cartoons have been depicted on caves walls, canvas, paper, floors, ceilings and even skin!
2). Galloping Gooseberry - A Real Life Experience
Sagarika, a business writer with a delhi based pulication shares a funny life experience of hers.
3). Express And Impress With Buddy Icons
The icons used in many IM programs like AOL Instant, Yahoo Messenger and MSN Messenger are referred to as buddy icons.
4). Rate People And Get Yourself Rated On Websites
Submit some of your pictures so that the members of a particular website can rate you on the basis of the photographs you submit or upload on the website.
5). The Druggie, The Witch, You, Me and Harry Potter
Bodybuilders, bats, witches, princes and druggies! Seems like everybody is cruising The Potter Express these days.
6). Do You Want to Know what Goes On at the White House?
Recent political changes are bound to affect the jobs and lives of White House officials. Let us hear some of the gossip.
7). Is the Word Christmas Politically Correct?
The so called political correctness has created absurd guidelines affecting ordinary situations, events and personalities in our society. Time to unmask some of them.
.: Top Humor Articles
1). Halloween Howler
1. What rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
A. Roy Orbison
B. Billy Joel
C. Mick Jaggar
D. Rod Stewart
1. What famous rock star worked as a gravedigger before starting his musical career?
D. Rod Stewart
TBD: That wasn't The QuizQueen's guess either, but that's what the research says!
2. Which tradition was NOT a precursor to Halloween?
A.
2). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
3). 5 Surefire Ways To Get Over Your Ex
After mountains of letters, tons of emails, and numerous phone calls at 2 a.m. that consisted solely of sobs and sniffles, I have decided to address the issues of breaking up with and getting over ex-lovers. Technically, I am probably not the best person to write this article seeing as I haven't been in a serious relationship since 1999 and even that one involved a stripper, but then again maybe that makes me the perfect person to write this article.
4). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep."
Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner.
He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains has shaped his behavior since his mother first read it to him when he was just wee high to an oil pump.
5). Just Say No To Sex
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.)
"They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.
6). The Difference Between An Optimist And A Pessimist
Attitude determines everything. In this humorous exchange between an optimist and a pessimist, we can see how our attitude defines our health, wealth, and experience of luck.
7). Good News for Goofballs
I've found that there's a gap in the set of self-help and how-to books available. Sure, there are books to improve your outlook, and boost your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, or start a business, or patent your idea for self-buttering waffles, there are books to help you. And if you happen to be a dummy -- well, there are entire shelves at the local Barnes and Nobles devoted to you.